No room for second place

I’m constantly evaluating my life. Mostly in regard to my children and parenting. I suppose we all do this, but I feel like I do it more now that I’m trying so desperately to fill the role of two parents. Which is unrealistic and unnecessary. But nonetheless, I do it. Daily, I reflect on how I am handling life with my precious cargo, and most times I wish I’d done something a little better or a little different. We hear about “Mom shaming” often, but I promise you, I’m harder on myself than any other mother could be. Not because I’m comparing myself to other moms, but because I’m comparing myself to what I expected my life to be like. You know, a mom, a dad, kids, a team effort. I have a team, it’s just a little more complicated and messy than I had intended.

Both of my children are pretty amazing. When Avery was born, I poured every ounce of my being into her. Probably not the healthiest choice for sanity, but I wanted to be with her non stop. Everything I did was about her. I rarely took time for myself. I didn’t mind that though. I longed to be a mother and when I was blessed with her, I made sure to embrace every moment. She had every educational toy imaginable, every art supply, every book she could dream of, and every minute of my time.

When Landon came along, I got the same amount of joy!  Not only was I getting to be a mom to another child, I was getting my dream of having a boy and a girl. Yay! There were different emotions with him though. First, I just needed him to get here and be healthy, since I’d lost his twin halfway through my pregnancy. But there was also a sense of guilt. Not for him. But for both him and Avery. How in the world would I give them both all of me?  It’s simple. I couldn’t. I couldn’t give Avery all of me and I couldn’t give Landon all of me. They had to share. (Life long lesson we are still working out).

I knew it would be ok. Families do this all the time. However, this is when PJ lost his way. Maybe he was overwhelmed. I’ll never know. He didn’t talk much about his struggles. It was a guessing game most of the time. When I look at Landon’s life from the time he got here, I realize his little world has never really known “normal”. He will never remember his Mom and Dad together. He was one when that part ended. So, really he’s never been on the receiving end of one on one time. We can sneak it in every now and then, but not often. So when he’s acting like a grumpy old man, 85% of the time, I can’t really blame him. Although I don’t let those moments slide.

Today, Avery had a party to go to. She was gone for three hours. Landon got some Mommy time. And it was wonderful. His little light shown so very bright. He smiled bigger than I’ve seen in quite some time. He talked to me about everything around us and we discussed his upcoming birthday. He also let me know he’s no longer allowed to be called “four”. He’s just days away from being five. So…five it is. In that moment, I realized how quickly time has gone by and I have had very few moments alone with him. It’s times like this that it’s easy for me to get angry with PJ for leaving us in this situation. But I can’t let myself go there!  Instead I get to be so thankful that I am here to enjoy these moments and thank him for blessing me with these amazing little humans that are our children. I’m sad for him and them he’s missing this. But we can’t look back!  We aren’t going that way!

I’m a mom. I have two awesome kids that I get to share this life with. We don’t have time to wish for better. We have time to live and love together. That’s all!

But I did learn today, that I must give them moments of special times with just us. Not all three of us. Just one on one!  Mommy date nights are in our horizon!  That’s when I learn most about my sweet little people!  It’s important to make special time for the special people in our lives…big ones and little!

There’s no second place for the ones we love.

2 thoughts on “No room for second place

  1. Oh that mommy guilt is so strong! Every single night I go over the days happenings in my brain and very rarely will I find a day that I don’t have regrets or wish I had done something different. Your words couldn’t ring more true! One on one time is so important and SO HARD to find! Thank you for your beautiful words and sharing. Hugs!!

    Liked by 1 person

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