Here and now…thankful

“There’s nothing fun about parenting alone.”-False statement.  There are perks.  Number one, all cuddles and snuggles are reserved for ME!  There’s no consulting before making a decision. If I think it should happen, it does. And vice versa. Sometimes that’s nice.

However, I would happily share those snuggles if that were an option. And I would absolutely love to have someone to help with the endless decisions that come with having children. That’s what I miss most about having PJ around. He helped me make hard decisions for our children…even if compromises had to be made. It felt safer that way. So, when situations arise that I have to be THAT one person to help raise my children, it’s so easy for me to go to my angry place. Why the hell is he not here to help?  Especially when my kids are suffering. Like this week when I spent a night in urgent care praying that just one more breathing treatment would make my boy better and send us home. And when they didn’t work and I scrambled to figure out arrangements for Avery while riding in an ambulance with Landon to the hospital for further treatment. I selfishly looked at that situation in anger that he chose to quit, because I’m doing everything in my power not to.

I know his decision wasn’t about me. It sure wasn’t about our kids. It was about him. But dammit…it’s about us now!  And I know that if he’s stayed, he would have been right there to help. He would have stayed with Avery so she could be at home. He would have come to the hospital so I could shower. He would have calmed Landon in his special Daddy way. But he couldn’t, because he’s not here.

Once again, my amazing friends and family stepped up. Avery was well taken care of, and Landon got to hang with Poppy and Mimi while I attended an asthma class. Everything was in order logistically. But not emotionally.

Autopilot sets in during stressful times and things just get done. However the void of the “missing” parent lingers. I imagine it always will.

The most important thing is that those two kids did not miss a beat. Avery loved her sleepovers on school nights, new clothes, and extra special lunches for school that she didn’t have to make. Landon, although he was ticked about being in the hospital, especially on his big day that he counted down for for weeks, was showered with love, snuggles, visitors by his favorites, and plenty of gifts!  They were good!

I thought maybe they don’t “get it!”  But they did. Landon was sad that Daddy didn’t get to hear about his ambulance ride and Avery was sad that he wasn’t there to hang with her. But it still all worked it. For that I’m thankful.

I wish I could tell PJ how important of a role he played in their worlds. But mostly, I wish I didn’t have to. This is just one more reminder of the fact that you never know.

PJ isn’t here.  I’m sad he felt he had to go. But so many other people are!  I’m so very thankful for the ones who are here and stick by us!  Endless messages and visits make us know we are loved!

The past does not define us. But it sure helps guide the future. And I love the one set before us!

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