I often sit and look at our past few years and wonder how in the hell we, or I, am still standing. When I think of all the trauma, for lack of better words, that we have been through, I’m in disbelief. How in the world did this become my life? And how am I still pushing through? A younger me would have thrown in the towel and said “forget it.” I can post a million pictures on Facebook and Instagram that show nothing but happiness. But that’s not the full reality. Being on my own with two kids is a scary and lonely place, even if I am surrounded by love and wonderful people. I suppose that’s why I do post those pictures…to highlight the best of what we have. It’s not to pretend my life is perfect. It’s a simple reminder to me that there is still beauty and fun memories being made, despite the ugly.
I often lay in bed at night and give myself a pat on the back for being a “big girl” and not being afraid. There was a time that I would lay awake waiting for PJ to get home because I was scared to be the only adult in the house. Silly, I know. But I’ve never lived alone. I still don’t love it, but I don’t have a choice. It still surprises me that I can do this without freaking out every night! Yay me! Ha! I think I just miss the comfort of knowing I have someone to keep me safe.
I took my little family back to church today. The message was amazing and made me understand why I’m not afraid anymore. I remembered something I’ve lost full sight of. That God is with us always. I may physically be here by myself, but I have the biggest protector of all with me at all times. I don’t have to be afraid. I’m not really alone!
When things got really scary in our world, a teacher friend invited me to his church. I was scared to go about that by myself. I didn’t want to sit alone at church. I feared what people may think of this single mom with two kids. After all, at church it’s all sweet little families blossoming together. And then there was me. But I did it anyway. And I’m so glad I did. I don’t need a church to know I love God, but I need that place to keep me going and remind me I’m not on this journey alone. Today was like the first time again. I was nervous. But they didn’t make me feel that way. I had hugs and smiles, and happy faces welcoming us back. It was like going home from a long trip. One that I won’t be taking again. Because I remembered today why I don’t have to be afraid anymore!